|
| i wonder what is happening right now. the utmost conflict in confusion rests in the nest that harbors itself through my minds majestic canals of thought. i am in a physical riddle of where my home, geographically lays, at least on the local spect. with moving so much in the past year-involuntarily, i am in such displacement of what is happening around me. i live in the presence of my home's empire. i stick to familia because it's what feels right. so much has changed, after moving out of Clark into Corning. It's different, it causes some sort of excitement, i suppose. okay fuck that. i'm sleep deprived for today. | | |
| so i'm back. back into the patience of jotting down much release, within a place that may nuture them. my thoughts. so confused about everything, waking up and then sleeping side by side with the anxiety. who knew that being stressed out would feel like this. yes, it's all relative, but c'mon now. i decided to get step by step closer to the fuel that will dance with the fire that waits in my soul. writing is my passion, so why don't i drink it. like the potted planet that lays only as decor under the smoltering heat. nourish commands growth. my photosynthesis processes, just as such. with the positive energy of success and love, may i find my key to unlock the doors. someone changed the locks. growing up really has it's cliche ups and downs. it really does. i accept. developmental chords torpido up and down creating cacaphonic noise. i find the beats to take me home. it's hard be the oldest. after my papa passed, life has really 560 degreed it; yah man. i still am in shock with randy. i still don't get so much of what life has tossed to me. this is it; the time in which i shall shed my skin once more to reveal a maturity that only time's experiences may present. i just wish that i was a bit further in the game. but it's cool. i'm going to do my best, realistic best (fucken ganj), to promote these dreams into tangible sources. i'm going to shine again, for my family. being so caught up in the mix of everything has gotten me stimulated in the sense of trying to conquer all such, but at the same time, envelop a sense of acceptance-i am growing older. it's such a trying world that we exist in. moving to manhattan beach. beverly hills, i will miss you. but you have lost your purpose and tarnished a glamour that only appears with intolerant snacks that the popos would devour. i miss you randy so much. i still am so confused with what has happen. i promise to you, i will watch chris, tim, and faith. i promise cousin. i'm excited though. i can't wait to get into my real estate, focus a bit and just relax and take it easy. i am going to be there. this is my next challenge. see you later melrose, it's been promising, and my future exposes a different path marked, secured with momentum. i need to really figure things and conceptualize all the mishaps and fortunes. slowly for surely, my time will arise, with nothing but a proud heart, bright cheesen, and the answers for my quest. i'm ready. peace and love-ramichael | | |
| so admist all this 'anxiety' i like to claim, i wonder if it is myth, all lie. i wonder. each day i wake up thinking about what am i doing with myself and the life that i honor to neglect at times. this career minded train of greyhound thoughts plays over and over. i dont know what i am to become of in the working field. i want that perfect job. that one with the "casual fridays" everyday. the co workers that indefinitely love what they are doing. the place to do everything i ever wanted to; and of course getting paid for it. i can't stop thinking about it as i've become victim to the late night online bug that has me searching jobs every second it becomes available. i've gone mad. it's hard when you're out of the institution. it really is.
life's been tricky with my papa gone. i dont go a day thinking about him. i miss him so much. i still numb in the summer sun.
i'm starting a new book. Life of Pi. it looks fresh. i've been in a diehard want, to read a new book.
fuck, i can't gather any thoughts. they trickle too fast these days. i think i'm getting old, or just mentally slow.
anyways, here's to the next hopeful entry.
peace. | | |
| he is now 51. it was just my papa's fifty first birthday. and i woke up at 5 in the afternoon. i dont know why i did. it's interesting, the eerie like events that have happened. some sort of channelling into depths not expected. the smell of sampaguitas that evening with robyn was trippy. it passed and i was amused, after robyn telling me that it may mean a spirit has just passed by us.
lately i've been interested in the unknown- yah, the non living. it's so taboo, but it's essential. we must think of these things, naturally, to admire the idea of death and what you're going to do prior to it's arrival and your departure from this place. i dont go a day not thinking of my papa, i must think more than i even realize. it's so hard to know he's not here. i wish and dream so hard for the day to hear his voice, to see his talent, to be his son. fatherless.
me chris and tim went to Andre's for dinner. it was perfect, i wanted to make spagetti but got lazy. tim suggested, so we went. i ate there last with my papa, after getting our passports for the philippines. i miss him. it was a cool evening, for the birthday. we then headed to tasha's and got stoned.
anyways, i can't seem to continue a clear thought on here. my high is too crazy.
peace- ramichael | | |
|
